Push-up Pump Before “Bed”

Disclaimer: First, this is not medical advice, clearly. Please use your brain and consult the proper professionals before doing any “strenuous” physical activity.

Gentlemen, we have all done it before. You are seeing a new person and it’s coming to that time where you might be naked in front of them! But wait! You ate pizza and drank 3 beers and have not been to the gym that day! Crap! This means you are feeling a little weak and you just don’t have the “pump” from a good workout. Next thing you know they say “I need to change” or “I need to freshen up” or if your are married or dating for a long time “Gotta use the bathroom”. So there you are lying on the bed thinking alright here we go! Suddenly you see your chest and arms looking like you have been knitting a quilt all day, soft and maybe a bit pruny! You know what to do…hit the floor and crank out some push-ups! The key here is to not get caught! Nothing worse than being out of breath before he/she even gets back into the room! Picture this, girl goes to bathroom you crank out some push-ups to get a nice quick pump going before your shirt comes off, next thing you know she’s back out and you are going all Rocky Balboa on the floor! You are already sweating and nothing has even started yet! Even worse is that you only have a mediocre chest pump and only a slight arm swell.

Don’t be Rocky!

Why do we do it? We aren’t fending off any competitors, we probably aren’t even going to be in the light the whole time! Why do we just do push-ups? Aren’t there any women out there that like a well pumped set of thighs or a rippling neck? Short answer…no. Please do not get caught doing air squats or preliminary hip thrusts to prep.

You can always explain what you are doing lying in the floor:

“I dropped my phone”

“I thought the dog was throwing up!” (This makes everyone hit the floor quick)

“My mom always told me to check for monsters!”

The truth is your are going to get caught someday might as well make it worth it!

Since this is a rite of passage as a man (and possibly a woman) and a hilarious encounter that will only get brought up more and more in your relationship I think I can offer some assistance. Check out the small routine below.

Quick Pump Routine

Pre “Bed” Push-up rules:

  1. Do not flare your elbows! Keeps elbows as tight to your body as possible.
  2. Move slow to get a pump, but not too slow because they will be back from the bathroom any minute! A good pump will come from a 2 second drop and a 1 second rise. It’s the slow drop that moves the blood.
  3. You only need about 5 push-ups of each variation listed below. (15-20 push-ups max so you don’t get sweaty or gasping for air)

3 Push-up Variations (KISS method, keep it simple & sexy)

  • Standard Push-up (Hands on ground with thumbs pointed in towards your chest, thumb tips should be about 2 inches away from chest)
  • Tight Push-up (Hands in closer so chest touches hands while on the ground, this one will pump the arms)
  • Wide Stance Push-up (Hands out wide, thumbs about 6-8 inches away from chest, this one pumps the chest and shoulders)

Do about 5 of each of these variations with a “slow” 2 second drop, this should give you solid 5 minute pump….that’s all we really need right?

I will let you do the research on this one, play with the timing at your own risk but whatever you do….don’t get caught!

We can classify this one under “Brain Vomit”. Have a great day!



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